Draft Exemptions: A Modest Proposal

“According to plans promoted by Lapid, only 400 of the top scholars in yeshivas would receive exemptions from military service. Everyone else would have to serve in the army, or at least national service. Lapid has repeatedly said that he does not intend to compromise on this position”. 

There are obviously numerous problems with this, besides the fact that it is a plan concocted by a contemptible man who hates yeshivas together with the Jewish home for goyim and that such a plan would result in an increase in ba’alei teshuva. Most notably, who is to decide who are these top 400 yeshiva bochurim who get the exemption? What is to stop the politicians from handing out he exemptions to their friends are relatives and not the top learners? Furthermore, what constitutes a top learner? Bikius or iyun? Halacha l’meisah or lomdus?

This is where we are fortunate to have a TV personality in such an important role in our government, as someone with his background should have the vision to carry out the following plan. It is clear that the only fair, transparent way to determine who is worthy of not defending the country is to create... 

 A NEW REALITY SHOW!

Imagine this: 3 yeshiva bochrim get up in front of an audience to answer questions in learning. Think “Jeopardy!” but instead of only money being on the line, it’s your chance to get out of the army! 

Shall we call it “Who doesn’t want to be a Milluimnik?” “Are you smarter than a hesder student?”  For now, let’s call it … “You Bet Your Life!”

This would be the best show ever. The drama would be great- the stakes couldn’t be higher. It would show the country the brilliance of the top masmidim and expose Israelis to gemara more than Ruth Kaleron did.

To account for different individual strengths, YBYL will have a variety of categories, such as:

Lomdus: 2 Rambams are chosen at random, Contestant must prove that the rambams contradict each other, then solve the non-existent contradiction.

Asheknazi vort: Contestant given random medrash, must show how it teaches the primacy of Torah learning.

Sefardi dvar torah: Given random topic, contestant must tell as many stories as he can.    

Needless to say, no Tanach is to be included under any circumstances.

At the end of the show, the winner is congratulated as soldiers from the lishkat hagiyus sign up the 2 losers on the spot.

 Tell me you wouldn’t want to watch that.  

Petition for Increased Achdus at the Siyum Hashas

As the siyum hashas approaches, I would like to make an appeal for achdus and for the righting of a wrong that has occurred at the previous siyumim.

The main siyum hashas celebration that is set to take place at Metlife Stadium will be a celebration of learning that will be attended by all sorts of Torah Jews. Yet one great Jewish leader, who has done much to spread Torah among Jewry, will be excluded from the celebrations.  Hence I am starting a petition that the siyum hashas allow Rabbi Menachem Mendel Shneerson on the dais.

To be clear, I am not a chabad chassid. But I often daven in the chabad shul near my house and I have heard many inspiring stories about this great leader. Just the week before Pesach I attended a birthday celebration for the Rebbe (as he is called by chabad Chassidim) at Yad Eliyahu Stadium in South Tel Aviv. In the live feed video from 770 the Rebbe spoke clearly and passionately about the importance and Troah learning. (Minor mistakes, such as calling the current Prime Minister of Israel Yizchak Shamir could be forgiven for a man celebrating his 110^th birthday).

I have asked a number of chabad chassidim  why the Rebbe is not invited to the siyum (not even on the secondary dais for second rate rabbis) and have received a number of answers . Some claim that the Rebbe’s teaching that one should do a perek of Rambam a day causes friction with the Bavli loyalists in the Daf Yomi circles. Others point to the publication of the Chitas, whose daily learning cycle contains chumash, tehillim, and Tanya, yet no gemara. Whatever the reason, I find it inexcusable. One of the greatest contemporary Jewish leaders should not be excluded from such an event.   

Having the Rebbe speak a Metlife stadium  would be a  “home run” and not a “strike out”  and it is not much of a “sacrifice” so don’t hit a “foul” and “steal” mitzvos from the suttun and don’t “balk” at the opportunity.            

So sign the petition today.       

 

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What a Dog Won't Eat: An Exclusive Interview with the Head Mashgiach of the Eidah Chareidis

I pleased to report that Rav Ozer Zorgenman Shlita, the head mashgiach of the Badatz Eidah Chariedis, agreed to sit down with me for a few questions. I have transcribed the interview below- Yonoson Swift.

YS: Gut moed. I would like to thank the Rav for taking time out his busy schedule to talk to me.

ROZ: You’re welcome.

YS: Let us begin with issues related to Pesach. A lot of people have voiced complaints that the badatz has given hashgacha to products to that do not really need one.

ROZ:  I have heard this claim before. What these people do not understand is that we represent a certain tzibbur and we do our best to serve their needs. There may be certain products that the general public does not need a hashgacha on because they use it in a certain way, but our tzibbur uses it differently and hence needs a hashgacha.

YS: I don’t understand. Take bleach. Nobody ingests bleach. Why does it need a hashgacha for pesach?

ROZ: That is a perfect example. If one only uses bleach for cleaning bathrooms or washing clothes, I can see why one would say it does not need hashgacha. In our tzibbur, however, bleach is primarily used to throw on women who dressed not tznius. Now let’s say the thrower’s aim is a little off and the bleach hits the woman in the mouth. If there is chometz in the bleach the thrower could be in violation the issur of lifnei iver by causing this prutza to eat chometz. Our tzibbur throws bleach to minimize issurim, not to increase them, chas v’shalom.

YS: I see. What about shoe polish?

ROZ: Same thing.

YS: Contact lens solution?

ROZ: What is that?

YS: I understand that some brands of toilet paper include starch. But who eats toilet paper?

ROZ: Obviously you’ve never craved a midnight snack on Nittel Nacht.

YS: Another pesach question. There are other areas where many people feel the badatz is overly machmir, such as not giving hashgacha to canola oil. It is an oil that is derived from a flower. Why is this assur?

ROZ: Do you know what else canola oil is called? Rapeseed! We cannot have such words on our Pesach table. The last thing we want is children to start asking questions about these things.

 YS: Let us move away from kashrus. Many have expressed anger that the eidah does not condemn acts of violence against non-chareidim, such as the attacks on the girls of the Orot Banot school in Beit Shemesh.

ROZ: We cannot condemn everything in the world. A panel of rabbonim have met and delineated very clear criteria on which acts we are to condemn and which ones we do not.

YS: What is that criteria?

ROZ: We only condemn acts that we disagree with.

YS: Any parting words?

ROZ: We would like to thank everyone who has contributed to making the phrase badatz eidah chareidus synonymous with kashrus in Eretz Yisrael. Anyone who buys kosher products in this land supports not only our mashgichim, but our educational and youth programming as well.  

YS: Thank you.           

Bad Romance: How I Was Rejected from the “Iranians We Love U” Video

When I heard about a grassroots campaign to prevent a war between Israel and Iran through filming regular people delivering messages of love directly to Iranian people through social media, I hurried to join. As I work for neither CNN nor Halliburton I have nothing to gain by war and actually have a desire to prevent it. So I decided the join the filming.

 Then two terrible things happened: First, I was rejected from the video. Second, the video went viral showering fame and potential sponsorship opportunities and blog hits for all the participants, leaving me alone at my computer seething in anonymity as another chance at fame passed me by. Below is an account of my anguish.

As I arrived on site in South Tel Aviv, I was first told to go to a nearby table and grab one of the many available babies and baby-carrying apparatuses. Apparently all men of a certain age and size were supposed to hold babies to make them appear more sensitive. Problem is, I hate babies (except Iranian ones of course). I refused to hold a baby.

I was then told to say, “I never met an Iranian.”

“I cannot say that,” I said.

“Why not?”

“Because I know lots of Iranians. I roomed with a Persian when I was in yeshiva. My cousin married a Persian and I now know her whole family.”

“Not Jews, Iranians!”

I asked for another line. I was told to say, “I love you.”

“I love who?”

“Iranians.”

“But I thought I never met an Iranian.”

“So?”

“How could I love someone that I never met?”

I asked if I could say something positive about Iran that I sincerely felt. He said we would give it a try. I stood before the camera and said with a loving smile,

“I love Iranian literature, especially Rushdie’s “Satanic Verses.”

I was told to day something else.

“I love the brave Iranian journalists such as Maziar Bahari.”

No good.

“I would love to visit the tomb of Mordecai and Esther so please don’t blow it up.” 

Rejected.

“I love the people of Iran except for the guy who did this.””

“Just say ‘I love you!’” I was told.

I gave up. I looked into the camera and said “I love you.”

And I was still cut out of the video. Perhaps it was because I was not holding a baby.        

Haggadah Roundup

Haggadah Roundup

With Pesach upon us, I’ve decided to put out summaries of just a handful of the many new haggados that are coming out this year.

I’ve included a short blurb about each haggadah as well as link to a page that I scanned in. 

Chag Kasher v’Samaech!

THE SHIURIM HAGGADAH

Author: Rabbi Ozer Chaim Dublovsky

Hardcover, 1764 pages

Need help with knowing how much matza to eat or wine to drink? This haggadah is dedicated to painstakingly detailing every shita to help make your seder experience as exact as possible. Check out a page here.

THE NATURAL SELECTION HAGGADAH

Author:  Rabbi Natan Slifkin

Hardcover, 176 pages

This Haggadah focuses on the zoological and scientific aspects of the seder. Check out a page here.

THE HUNGER GAMES HAGGADAH

Author: Rabbi Isaac Pander

Softcover, 41 pages

Have a teenage daughter who thinks the seder isn’t “cool”? Get her excited with this Torah lessons in the haggadah based on the very popular book and movie. Check out a page here.   

THE AGUDAS YISRAEL HAGGADAH

Author:  Rabbi Shimshon Sherer

Hardcover, 176 pages

Learn the Torah values of the Agudah in this new haggadah. Check out a page here.

 THE YEAR IN ISRAEL HAGGADAH

Author: Rabbi Shem Tov Culter

Softcover, 414  pages

Yehishiva students in the middle of their intense growth experience are often ripped out of it and forced to return to their families for Pesach. This haggadah includes divrei torah to give chizuk to the bochurim as well as 500 commonly asked questions, along with answers, so they can clear up any confusion about their new lifestyle. Check out a page here   

The Tyranny of Humorless People

The Tyranny of Humorless People

I’m going all-in on defending Yitta Halbertsam’s non-troversial piece “Purim and the Tyranny of Ugly Girls” (or something like that), which has been under attack by all sorts of anti-fun Reverend of Bomont– like folks who balk at the idea of humor.

Some background: Halberstam wrote a brilliant satire on the yeshivish  shidduch “crisis” in which she casts herself as potential monster-in-law who expects potential suitors for her son to undergo breast enlargement before dating him (or something like that- it’s hard to read these things on my ipod).

The piece is brilliant from beginning (“I know I’m going to be crucified” -comparing herself to Yoshka in The Jewish Press!) to “It is no crime for a young woman in shidduchim to enhance her appearance; in fact, it is probably an imperative… though she may not save the Jewish people from genocide” (as in, “Who knows, maybe she can!”).

So let’s start with idea #1 that she presents for solving the shidduch-crisis: Speed dates with young single girls and yeshiva boys’…mothers. In this system, instead of girls dating boys, girls date potential mothers-in law. Forget the awkwardness of trying to make conversation about gemara and football, we’re all girls here! Imagine the fun! Just like the “Joy Luck Club”! My only criticism here is that Halberstam stops short and does not flush out this idea to its full potential: Videoing it and turning it into a reality show. (Possible titles:  “How I Met Your Mother?” “The Mother in Law-ette?” “The Shvigger Factor?”)

She then moves on to Idea #2 for solving the shidduch crisis: Girls should wear more makeup. Ok, no big chiddush here. But Halberstam takes the proverbial safflower and makes rouge, by completely putting concealer on the story of Megillas Esther.  In her character’s reading, the heroine of the story is not Esther who, offered all the latest in Persian beauty treatments “asked for nothing” (Esther 2:15), rather the floozies in the harem who underwent a beauty treatment of “six months with oil of myrrh, and six months with sweet perfumes, and with other ointments for women (Esther 2:12),” as Halberstam’s character asks  “The women of the kingdom who vied for the Queen’s throne were given twelve months to prepare for the beauty pageant – why hadn’t some of the girls at the shidduch event taken a mere half hour?” (I believe there is now a fifteenth unanswerable question).

Here Halberstam brings her master stroke. No, not name-checking Georgie of Heide and Mendi fame. Rather coming up with the best faux- holocaust story ever. This story, which satirizes this overused genre by telling a story in which a toothless girl who saved the Rebbe’s life is rewarded with a pair of dentures and lives happilyeverafter would be brilliant enough even if Halberstam herself did not literally write the book on feel-good holocaust stories. Not since Eddie Murphy in “Bowfinger” did an artist mock themselves so ruthlessly in their own work.

After all this, Idea #3, that parents take out loans to “invest” in a “panoply of cosmetic and surgical procedures “ may be the tamest idea put out there. At least it feels a bit worn on the heels of the recent Groggers scandal. But people with no sense of humor have no sense of humor, and have been wringing their ringless hands over this cuts-too-close-to-the-bone suggestion.

A message to all you puritanical prigs: Satire is best done subtlety. Being able to pen a piece in which the reader is not sure if the author is at all serious or not is what separates mediocre writers from great ones.